• Posted Mar 31, 2004

I wouldn't believe it myself if it wasn't in print!

Good morning and thank you for clicking over to this breaking bulletin from your only news source, on this wonderful and glorious first day of April, 2004.

First off, this weekend's Altoona Road Race and Waterworks Park Criterium. Apparently, the prize list has benefitted from an angel investor and the purse has been increased to $10,000 for the men and women's races, allowing the event an instant upgrade to NRC status.

In a release to the local media, promoter Lane Anderson said, "I am excited to announce the largest purse in the history of this race and introduce our newest sponsor, the city of Des Moines. Despite our recent problems with the city and the Iowa State Championship race, they stepped up and gave $20,000 in purse money directly out of City Manager Eric Anderson's annual salary to make amends for past injustices."

In other exciting news to bulk up Iowa's spring calendar, Back to the Bricks promoter Josh 'JLu' Lukins has pulled in the ultimate coup. Lance Armstrong will be racing in Adel.

In a co-release from Lance Armstrong's website, Lance states, "Screw Europe and those 'classics-naz'. I'm down with J-Lu and DQ." Interpretation via Snoop-Dog's Shizzolator and Minnesota mtbr's Dan and Doug Swanson later.

Despite the poor economy and drought for sponsorship, Iowa City's has picked up a 'male sexual enhancement' as a primary sponsor and been named Cyclepharmeceuticals: presented by Viagra'

In a related announcement, Bike Iowa director Rick Paulos issued a mandate for Cyclepharmers 'never to remove their hands from the handlebars.'

ICCC racer Joe Hetrick has returned to Iowa racing after an absence for filming of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy. Joe was the stunt double for the archer, Legolas. Welcome back!

Former National Champion Iowa Stater Andy 'A-Korn' Cornelison has fallen prey to the 'Boulder Millionaire' myth (that all racers are millionaires and live in mansions in Boulder). Apparently he has dropped out of Carlisle High School to train full-time and dedicated his life to pursuit of being a burnout by age 17.

In a related announcement, Iowa State University has started an internal probe into the Iowa State Cycling Team. Apparently, the team is missing actual Iowa State students. Maybe they need some alcohol and sex to spur recruiting. (I'll bet the Cyclepharmaceuticals guys can help, too...) has launched an investigation to illegal practices in cycling in the state. The first inquiry regards Iowa Rider of the Year. Will Conn Day and Mark Guthart succeed in their nefarious plan to host enough events to win the 2004 title? They are reported to be holding an event today worth 10,000 ROY points, but decline to reveal the location or if they already drank the beer and ate the pies in a bender last night.

In a related announcement, QCP's Donny Quixote denies that the Quarter Pounders with Cheese reported to be in his musette is not loaded with illegal performance enhancers.

In a related announcement not quite close to anything else here, racing editor Marco Hollander is reported to have logged in repeated 20-25 hour weeks training in a secret location in the past few weeks while ingesting gallons of EPO and calf blood. Hollander has been quoted, "If it works for euro-pros and goths, then it is good for me."

Leaving the best for last, Iowa's mountain bikers aren't quite safe from the editor, either.

Apparently, Brian Eppen suffered from frostbite of the worst kind in the past few days training for naked crits. The turn in temperature wasn't quite expected, eh?

Des Moines privateer Chris Maharry was voted in the recent 'Best of Des Moines' edition of Cityview as 'Cyclist most likely to ride naked'. Word is that he's in talks with Eppen on a naked tandem team for Chequamegon 2004. That gives a fresh look on the term 'stoker'.

Mountain bikers aren't safe from's investigative reporting, either. Jeff Kerkove, 24 hour pro, has been reported to keep a meth lab running in his pit area at 24 Hour races in the past year. "Not only is it a great source of income for racing, but also keeps me jacked up like a kite." reports Kerkove.

Local singlespeeder Squirrel reports that he thought that Kerkove was on something besides cocaine, caffeine and laxatives. This information was gleaned as he was found rolling around naked in a patch of mushrooms behind the Science Center in Des Moines.

Thanks for reading and remember, friends don't let friends ride junk. But it is regarded fashionable to have a little junk in your trunk.

...and as my beautiful wife says, my water just broke...happy April Fools

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