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  • Posted Nov 11, 2008

WHY is this 2009 team so special? Here are 100 reasons WHY!

Punk rock is no longer a music a thing or a fashion thing. Punk rock is no longer an underage scene filled with poor bathing habits, homemade Black Flag t-shirts, and some mooch spending his days camped on your couch watching Wheel Of Fortune and drooling in a bucket. No, today punk rock is about women, specifically women who love to race their bikes. Click HERE to see the LIFESIZE photo of the Punk Rock Racing Team you see to the right. If you’re racing your bike in the Midwest and not living under a dirty rock there is a fairly good chance you’ve been exposed to the Punk Rock Cycling Women’s Team (PRC). Based in Des Moines, IA, PRC is a great group of women racing and riding their bikes, promoting their sport, leading clinics, hosting races, writing zines, teaching others, setting the example, getting involved, and just basically giving a damn. In 2008 the team hosted several events including their weekly Ritual Ride from Des Moines, the Race Like A Girl Series, the PRC Duathlons, and the upcoming Cranksgiving Alleycat in November. Making strong moves forward PRC has nearly doubled their roster for 2009, adding a whole posse of girls to bring up the numbers in Iowa’s cycling scene. And with the departure of 2008 director and founder Donny Quixote, the team is team has become self-directed with several different members taking on roles of administrator or coach or PR or whatever. But no matter what the role every girl is a full-on hardcore racer. BIKEIOWA caught up with the gals of PRC and asked why the 2009 team was so special. And the lesson has been learned; be careful what you ask for. According to the team, here are the top 100 reasons why PRC is so damn special.
100. Because we're girls. Durrrrrr---railluer! 99. Because we won't date a dude that rides a recumbent. 98. Because women's cycling is so hot right now. 97. Because your girlfriend wants to be like us. Or with us? She's kind of psycho. You should dump her. 96. Because Cranksgiving is the shizz. You. Must. Be. There. 95. Because Ali is a bit off, she might hug you or she might shank you. You never know. Insult her and find out. 94. Because Ana is so freakin tall. Have you seen her feet? Like a set of flippers, for real. 93. Because time is money. But luckily we don’t need you time. Just your money baby. 92. Because women are the new men. Only tougher, less hairy, and we don't adjust our crotch constantly. 91. Because we ride Specialized. 90. Because I said so. Now go to your room. No dinner for you. You eat your pillow for dinner. 89. Because no one on the team has a butterfly or unicorn tattoo. Yet. 88. Because we put on our bibs just like you. Except that after we put on our bibs, we win bike races. 87. Because Maria will sue you if you do. Or don't. Really, it's best not to upset her. 86. Because we will apply it liberally to the inflamed area. 85. Because we got 99 problems but a bitch ain’t one. 84. Because we do everything with 100% effort. But only 73% of the time. 83. Because we won't wear low cut skinny pants. Ugh. Seriously? Who thinks that’s a good idea? 82. Because we’re filled with facts. Did you know opossums have 13 nipples? 81. Because like EPO, we're habit forming. We get results. And we're not cheap! 80. Because we'll give your wife something to do other than hold your crap while you race. 79. Because it's 11pm. Do you know where your women's cycling team is? 78. Because we wonder if we should begin every sentence with the word "because". 77. Because Emily always looks likes she's high or drunk. Or both. 76. Because Rasmussen Bike Shop is better than your bike shop. 75. Because we know Star Wars is a gazillion times more believable than Star Trek. 74. Because we own the email address lancearmstrong@gmail.com and Lance is pissed. 73. Because we’re hot. Seriously. We’re hot. Does your AC work in this stupid car? 72. Because you say tomato. We say bacteria-laden-death-fruit from Hell. 71. Because we don't do push ups. We just move the earth. 70. Because Kelli will put you in the hurt locker. And won't tell you the combination to get out. 69. Because we evolved from apes. Sexy, female, bike-riding, apes. 68. Because we're the #1 non-pornographic website. Placing us 4,374,683rd overall. 67. Because at 15 degrees of yaw, we create -81g of drag. Eat that Zipp! 66. Because without cycling us poor little girls would get lost between the kitchen and bedroom. 65. Because we got a fever. And the only prescription... is MORE COWBELL! 64. Because if we wanted your opinion. We'd tell you what it is. 63. Because we know alcoholism is not a disease. Rickets is a disease. Get it straight. 62. Because every time you have lewd thoughts about us, God kills a puppy. 61. Because every time you have genuinely nice thoughts about us, God kills two puppies. 60. Because one of us grew up on a pig farm. 59. Because we’re geniuses. Did you know lightning flashes go up, not down? Of course you didn’t. 58. Because our uniforms look like Pop Rocks packages. 57. Because we are an attractive vessel from which the lactic river of pain shall flow. 56. Because we're on a long and lonely highway. East of Omaha. 55. Because we will dump a guy ONLY if he caught us hooking up with another guy. That's just unacceptable. 54. Because everyone is a certified coach right now. But they can't coach what is already awesome. 53. Because Kelli works in IT. But she can't fix your PC. Set up your own network nerd. 52. Because we put the mess in messenger and then we shot the messenger. 51. Because the last reason really didn't make sense. 50. Because we’re all girl rolling role remodeling. Say it three times fast. 49. Because we’re always ready to work. Except we’re never at work. In our stead: DANCE PARTY! 48. Because we don't have a lame excuse for losing. We just got it handed to us. Straight up. 47. Because we know the truth will set us free. Unless we’re being truthful about the time we killed a guy. 46. Because we're lazy. Racing a bike is easy... and dating you is too high maintenance. 45. Because we’re more afraid of you than you are of us. Wait, no, that’s snakes. 44. Because we have a lot of friends. Over 70 according to MySpace. 43. Because we won’t tell the press about Boonen’s little “party favors”. (wink-wink Tom- call us!) 42. Because we will, we will, ROCK YOU! We will, we will- ugh, this song really sucks. 41. Because we provide torsional stiffness AND vertical compliance. 40. Because we use Tabasco sauce instead of Visine. 39. Because we did not make a soft-core calendar. But the night is young and we’re quite broke. 38. Because if we weren't amazing, why would you still be reading this? 37. Because we can rhyme with discombobulate. Punk Rock Crisco Ovulate. See, it's easy. 36. Because Keri is totally preggers. Sorry bro, someone beat ya to it. 35. Because we know SPD sandals are NOT acceptable at this party. 34. Because if you've ever been a girl in a cycling-saddle world, you already know. 33. Because our prize purses are lower. Who wouldn't want to compete for less money? 32. Because this list is getting long and tiring. We should have stopped at 50. 31. Because we are one can short of a six pack. Hey… Ali was thirsty. So what. 30. Because Keely is pretty on the outside, but a full-on butkicker on the inside. 29. Because Kelli has eaten concrete. And she liked it. 28. Because we know the nail that sticks out the most is bound to get hammered. 27. Because "sorry" doesn't put the Triscuit cracker in my stomach now does it Karl? 26. Because we once ate spicy burritos called the "rear derailleur". 25. Because we got hos in every area code. Except the 608. That's just not a safe playing field. 24. Because if you’re looking for a good time, call 1-800-PUNK-ROCK. Seriously, try it. 23. Because we can bench press 370 pounds. Not individually, but as a team it's cake. 22. Because we're the most beautiful girls in the whole wide room. 21. Because without us, who would you mock to help draw attention away from your inadequacies? 20. Because if you’re a jerk to one of us… your rep is totally ruined in this town. 19. Because we get a 10% discount on any Blockbuster movie that has a bike in it. 18. Because we built our own bikes. Then paid professional mechanics to do it right. 17. Because we're against picketing. But we're not sure how to show it. 16. Because everything cool that Susan just said. You wrecked it. 15. Because we just saved 15% by switching our car insurance to Geico. 14. Because everyone knows that women's cycling is where all the glory is. Right Tammy Thomas? 13. Because this mild-mannered cycling gig protects our true identity as Wonder Woman. 12. Because Death Metal Cycling and Jazz Fusion Cycling would have sounded even dumber. 11. Because our speakers go to 11. 10. Because top 10 lists suck. We'll do 10 times that. Easy. 9. Because we know that web administrators with long goatees are total bad asses. 8. Because we’re hoping no one will notice this list is primarily stolen movie quotes. 7. Because we majored in Hustlin and gotz a minor in the Game from the Skool of Hard Knockz! 6. Because at this moment we’re declaring August 12th as Ignore Emily Day. 5. Because we like big butts, and we can not lie. You other brothers can't deny. 4. Because you get around in a Hummer fueled with gas. We use bikes and we're fueled with Irish Whiskey. 3. Because we can stretch a very thin premise into 100 mediocre punchlines. 2. Because we're modest and humble and think only of the betterment of others. 1. Because we're great and awesome and super and you know you love us.
Punk Rock Cycling is Kelli Mente, Christina Maravelas, Ana Nelson, Maria Ruhtenberg, Emily Schaapveld, Keely Shannon, Sara Broek, Heather Myer-Davis, Keri Fellows, Alison Doyle, and Alaina Spaur. Punk Rock Cycling is sponsored by the Elder Corporation, Wexford & James, Rasmussen Bike Shop, Specialized, RBS Training Systems, Visionary Services, Shimano, Chrome, and Oakley. You can learn more about these women and all they do at punkrockcycling.com.

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